Beautiful Chaos - Part 2

Our expectations tend to get in the way of our reality and can set us up for failure. No more books, internet, shows or advice. We were suffering from information overload and comparisons to others was toxic.

I decided that my experience was my own - we were going to forge our own path.

(Anniston at Freedom Park)

I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss my anxiety issues and he diagnosed me with Postpartum Anxiety - different from Postpartum Depression in that I was not depressed and did not feel hopeless. I felt extremely overwhelmed!

A weight lifted and for the first time, I was finally gaining some control.

I also realized that my worries over not bonding with my children was not productive. My lack of confidence in myself as a mother was hindering my ability to appreciate this moment in my life. Here were these two little humans - individuals with unique personalities. I decided to let my relationship with them develop naturally.

Also, since breastfeeding and pumping had resulted in a multitude of disappointments, I embraced the fact that I had succeeded in providing my children with six weeks worth of breastmilk and, given their continued health and progression, a switch to formula-only would not be a detrimental decision. Instead of wincing in pain and being miserable during their feedings, I finally had the opportunity to hold them and watch their facial expressions, study their little toes and play with their fingers - these were beautiful moments.

Once I finally let go of all the burdens and worry, I opened myself up to new experiences and it paid off. Not only did I learn who my children were but my relationship with each one of them grew deeper and deeper. I have moments from time-to-time where I am pretty sure my heart will explode from loving them so much. I never should have doubted myself...they love me for who I am (good, bad, and the ugly) and that's all that matters. To them, I am some kind of superhero - I'll take it!

They are now 2.5-years-old and I am completely confident in their happiness. Bryan and I document everything we can so we can show them later how special they are to us. I have hundreds of thousands of pictures and videos - they even have their own YouTube channel (how cool is this):

https://www.youtube.com/user/Branniston

I have a hard time remembering what life was like before Anniston & Brayden - they are literally our everything.

Sharing this experience helps me to appreciate the beauty that can always be found in what we believe to be chaos. I not only learned a great deal about my children and about myself but I learned how to become a mother...

In some ways, I suspect that I will always question myself and doubt my abilities as their mother. Maybe it's this very process that makes me a good mother - I care enough to strive for better.