What would you do?

The following article relates directly to this post:

NY Times.com: Feb 3
Ethics questions arise as genetic testing of embryos increases 

This article, as well as another related article on CNN.com (March 24),  ran just this year and are obviously hot topics. Remember the saying, "Where there is smoke, there must be fire." Well, where there are hot topics, there must be a debate. This particular subject is no exception: to discard or not to discard, that is the question ~

The process of testing an embryo for a disease before it is actually implanted in the uterus is known as Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD). The only way to actually perform this process is through In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Here's the deal, PGD has nothing to do with infertility. It is a procedure that a family and their doctor elect to become a part of because of a disease that they want to protect their unborn from inheriting.

You may be asking yourself how I seem to know so much about this and why I would be dedicating a post on my blog to it? Before I answer, I warned you in a previous post to be careful when asking a mother whether or not her child/children are natural because you might not be prepared for the answer...here's why:

The NY Times article could have been written about me because I share the same story. My twins are here because of IVF with PGD and guess what? They will not inherit the disease that I tested positive for. My husband and I made a decision to protect our future children from this disease because it is dominant and has a 50% pass rate. That means that the fate of my children inheriting this disease was a literal coin toss. We weren't ok with those odds.

My story, as opposed to the family featured in the NY Times article, was a little more dramatic and had an interesting twist of fate. I am going to spare you most of the details pertaining to the process of IVF and PGD and just jump right to the end - I found myself in the hospital after having over 30 eggs removed from my very swollen ovaries. After a few days of deteriorating health, I was admitted for being severely dehydrated and for having ovaries five times their original size.

While I was hospitalized, my IVF doctor explained that they had sent about 17 cells to Detroit for testing. Depending on the results, two healthy embryos would be inserted into my uterus for implantation and the rest would be cryopreserved (frozen). However, due to my level of illness, he suggested that I wait about four months, until I was healthier. I promptly burst into tears - I felt as though we had been through so much up to that point and having to wait seemed like an emotional hell. I wanted to move forward.

It turns out, a greater force was exerting an influence and my doctor returned the next day, looking solemn. He sat on the bed and looked at me with great sadness in his eyes as he explained that the test results had returned and out of 17, all but three tested positive for the gene. I was horrified because at that moment, even though I knew I was a carrier, it wasn't real until I was told that I had actually passed this gene to almost all of the healthy embryos we had available.

As if that wasn't bad enough, out of the three that were "healthy", one was graded as excellent, one was good and the last was iffy. His instructions were to leave the hospital and drive directly to his office for insertion - we couldn't take a risk of cryopreserving them and then they not be viable when we needed them in the future.

But what were we supposed to do with the other embryos that tested positive for the gene? This is the hotly debated issue related to this process.

We chose to donate them to the research organization that supports the disease I have. We felt good knowing that they would serve a purpose that would help so many people in the long run. However, not everyone feels we did the right thing.

Some say that we are interfering in God's work by taking part in IVF and PGD. Others have a great deal of opinions as to what they feel should have been done to the embryos that tested positive for the gene.

In the end, the "excellent" and "good" embryos were inserted (the iffy one never progressed) and 38 weeks later, my twins were born. We can't control for all circumstances or all diseases - who knows what will happen? What we do know is that neither of them will have this disease and that, I can live with.

My opinion as someone who has been through it: I couldn't go into motherhood knowing that I was putting my children at that much risk. I felt it was irresponsible of me not to do anything about it. I also feel as though if everyone could afford it and was able to physically endure IVF and PGD, this disease and others would essentially be cured. We would be ensuring a future without these diseases.

In regards to the PGD process as a debate, if you take birth control or even prenatal vitamins, you are manipulating the process (or "interfering" as some would say). You aren't a bad person because you are trying to prevent an unwanted pregnancy or because you are trying to ensure the health of your unborn child...so why am I a bad person for preventing a life-altering disease that I know I carry and will eventually have to live with?

On another note, what are we supposed to do with the embryos that test positive? Keep them and freeze them? What good would that do? In order to influence a greater good, there will be loss along the way. It is unfortunate but it is what it is.

Our twist of fate really puts things into perspective:

I had over 30 mature eggs removed from my body. Through the process (and in just five days) some of them did not progress, some of them did not become embryos and some of them tested positive for the gene. We were literally left with TWO. We could not have afforded another cycle of IVF and we assumed we would have some left to preserve. We never dreamed that it would all come down to just two - there was not a plan B, it had to work...and it did.

We have a beautiful set of twins, girl and boy, that implanted and grew, progressed through 38 weeks of pregnancy and entered this world via a planned C-section. They did not require NICU care, they are healthy and they will not have the disease that I carry...it's a true miracle.

The question is: what would you do?

Since When Did Three Become the New Two?!

I'm sure you're all familiar with the phrase "terrible two's", right?

Well, A and B are almost three and judging by their latest-and-greatest, two was nothing compared to what three is looking like. Two was a teaser, a small test of our strength and resilience, to prepare us for what is surely imminent: three is going to be all out war!

Are we tough enough?

I really thought my years studying behavior analysis and working as a research technician in a children's cognitive development lab at UNCW would prepare me for motherhood. Not so much.

See, the problem lies in the fact that those children - those adorable little test subjects - were not mine. I simply analyzed them as data and observed their behaviors but that was it. I was not responsible for molding them into...well, what exactly are we striving for here - responsible adults? That doesn't even remotely cover it.

As their parents, we are to encourage them, raise them, love them, correct them, discipline them, hold them accountable, interrogate them, introduce them to the harsh realities that will send them tumbling from their reach of the stars, catch them, foster independence while struggling to let go and accepting them for "who they are" even when we know better - and this is just the beginning of what parenthood entails.

Now, with all of that said, I return to my original thought..."three" is on the horizon and is threatening a storm. My lovely children - vibrant and adventurous, lovers of life and all they are experiencing, are suddenly transforming into something else all together!

My daughter seems to be a little further along in this process and over the past couple of weeks, has said some really interesting things...below are some of her favorite phrases (she sometimes uses "my" instead of "me" to refer to herself):

"Leave my alone!"
"Don't touch me!"
"Don't look at me!"
"Don't talk to me that way!"

When my husband told her to stop kicking our dining table she turned around, stuck her lip out and said, "You really are a bad guy!" - come again?

It turns out, she was repeating a line from the movie "Wreck It Ralph". The precocious Venelope Von Schweetz says this to Ralph right after he destroys her most prized possession. So, Anniston using this line against her father as though he broke her heart into a million pieces was a bit much.

The drama is extreme, meltdowns are excessive, and the whining is incessant.

My son relies less on theatrics but is just as dramatic. He is mischievous and if he thinks he can get away with something, he will most definitely try it. He is also intuitive and can sense weakness like a lion searching for its prey - he has his grandparents pegged and when mommy and daddy aren't around, he does all of the things he knows he isn't supposed to. All rules are nonexistent and the little white lies are rampant.

He knows if Anniston takes something from him, he is to ask her for it and remember to say "please". However, when his grandparents were here (and he thought mommy and daddy weren't), he proceeded to scream and cry as though he were a wild animal being chased through the woods, fearing for his young life and struggling to survive. I promptly appeared at the door and saw his grandmother attempting to calm him down by hugging and petting him but as soon as his big blue eyes settled upon me, he sucked in the screams and tears as quickly as they were unleashed. Not another sound was made.

He wanted his toy and his sister was playing with it - that was a completely appropriate reason to have an over-the-top meltdown, right?!

It is difficult to reason with a toddler. It is impossible to reason with two toddlers.

I know this is typical, expected even, and part of the developmental process. I just have to breathe, right? Have patience. Count to 10, etc.

It's a good thing they're cute...just sayin'!

Review of Kid-Friendly Hot Spots

So, as a stay-at-home mommy of twins, finding fun things to do is a must!

I have made it a mission to discover low-cost, unique and fun activities for myself and my twinkies around our beautiful city. It is imperative for us to have a plan B on any given rainy day, a sweltering summer day or when boredom invades my lovelies and they begin to drop not-so-subtle hints that they are ready for some additional stimulation!

The list below reflects my opinions only and are places we have visited personally.

1. One of my absolute favorite spots is Dan Nicholas Park. It isn't technically in Charlotte but it's close (Salisbury) and is well-worth the drive. We were initially introduced to Dan Nicholas last year when we hosted their 2nd birthday party at this location. We paid a small fee to rent a covered shelter near a trail that leads to all the main attractions. There is no fee to enter the park but if you choose to participate in mini golf, paddle boats, the train, or carousel, you have to purchase tickets. Other activities that are FREE include their spray park and several playgrounds on site. This park literally has it all and children love it - there is something for everyone!
Pro: So many activities that are unique and fun...even in the hottest weather.
Con: it is not in Charlotte but is a short drive away, in Salisbury.

2. Another park that is fabulous for little ones is Stallings Park in the Charlotte area. It was even voted as one of Charlotte's Best in Charlotte Magazine - here is their description:

"Two years and $2.3 million later, Stallings Park is the best park and playground in the Charlotte area. Period. With a brand-new splash pad, soon-to-be-open walking trails, three different playground areas (one enclosed for the tiny tots), picnic areas, tennis courts, and an 18-hole disc golf course designed by a three-time world champion disc golfer, families love it here." 

Technically, the park is in Matthews but, again, worth the drive - my babies absolutely adored the splash pad and the many different playground options! It's a great Spring and Summer option!
Pro: great summer location since the spray park is wet & wild!
Con: it is in Matthews.

3. Another favorite is the Huntersville Discovery Center. This venue is all about kids and they make exploring a blast! They specialize in real-life, hands-on, experiential opportunities - a fire truck, ambulance, grocery store, ATM/Bank, plane, race car, water tables, etc. The twinkies had so much fun interacting with each area and other children that were visiting as well. This is a fun option for rainy and/or cold days when the kids are confined indoors.
Pro: great place full of kid-friendly activities.
Con: sometimes it is really busy and kind of chaotic - take hand sanitizer and be prepared to have to dodge other kids as yours run to another area before you can blink! Also, it costs - check their website for current fees.

4. Some days, my babes just need space to run, jump and climb. One of the best options for them to release all of their combustible energy is at Monkey Joe's! They are a relatively cheap option and provide plenty of fun-filled opportunities for little ones. They specialize in inflatable bounce houses, slides, and obstacle courses. Monkey Joe's even offers the tiniest tots an area for play. Fortunately, when my twins are thoroughly worn out and super-hungry from so much rough-and-tumble play, they offer lunch and beverage options.
Pro: not too expensive and is an indoor space. Also offer games and prizes (for a fee).
Con: the lunch options aren't the healthiest: pizza, pretzels and nachos.

5. Believe it or not, one of my favorite places to take the twins is Concord Mills Mall! Not for shopping, of course, but because there is a carousel, train, play area, movie theater and a food court. Even my 2.5-year-old toddlers can sit through a movie with some popcorn and M&M's...they've watched Frozen twice now and would most definitely welcome a third opportunity!
Pro: an indoor space, several fun kid-friendly options.
Con: train and movies can be expensive. Bring cash!

6. The SeaLife Aquarium just recently opened and is also a part of Concord Mills Mall. My twinkies love all things sea and animals so a trip to this attraction was a no-brainer. We had previously visited Ripley's Aquarium in Myrtle Beach and our little ones relished their experience so I was excited to have this option in our area. It introduces children to the ocean's most popular creatures - fish, jellyfish, an octopus, a sea turtle, plenty of stingrays and a shark.
Pro: definitely geared toward children and includes a booklet that they can stamp at each stop for a prize at the end.
Con: this was a lot more expensive than I was expecting and the duration was quite short. The only exit is through the gift shop which I did not appreciate since the twins promptly picked up a variety of items they just had to have...which made our visit that much more expensive. (Score 1 for SeaLife).

7. My last spot is the most expensive since it is not in our area so travel has to be accounted for and there is also an entry fee but; nevertheless, it is one of our most favorite places to visit: The Riverbanks Zoo & Gardens in Columbia! We make sure to trek through this wilderness in the early Spring since a day at the zoo can get hot real quick. Anniston & Brayden LOVE the animals - the zebras, giraffes, apes, birds, elephants, meerkats, penguins, etc. What's not to love about the zoo?
Pro: there is a restaurant, ice cream, beverage machines, and even seasonal movies at the zoo!
Con: it's in Columbia - enough said.

I realize that there are several other possibilities in and around Charlotte that I haven't touched on (Lazy 5 Ranch, etc.) - however, there will be a follow-up post when we have visited them and had a chance to familiarize ourselves with these opportunities.

As the seasons transition and we begin to experience longer days and warmer weather, we will be adding places to our annual Spring/Summer bucket list. Please feel free to share your own opinions or to provide suggestions as to other fabulous kid-friendly hot spots in our area!

Beautiful Chaos - Part 2

Our expectations tend to get in the way of our reality and can set us up for failure. No more books, internet, shows or advice. We were suffering from information overload and comparisons to others was toxic.

I decided that my experience was my own - we were going to forge our own path.

(Anniston at Freedom Park)

I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss my anxiety issues and he diagnosed me with Postpartum Anxiety - different from Postpartum Depression in that I was not depressed and did not feel hopeless. I felt extremely overwhelmed!

A weight lifted and for the first time, I was finally gaining some control.

I also realized that my worries over not bonding with my children was not productive. My lack of confidence in myself as a mother was hindering my ability to appreciate this moment in my life. Here were these two little humans - individuals with unique personalities. I decided to let my relationship with them develop naturally.

Also, since breastfeeding and pumping had resulted in a multitude of disappointments, I embraced the fact that I had succeeded in providing my children with six weeks worth of breastmilk and, given their continued health and progression, a switch to formula-only would not be a detrimental decision. Instead of wincing in pain and being miserable during their feedings, I finally had the opportunity to hold them and watch their facial expressions, study their little toes and play with their fingers - these were beautiful moments.

Once I finally let go of all the burdens and worry, I opened myself up to new experiences and it paid off. Not only did I learn who my children were but my relationship with each one of them grew deeper and deeper. I have moments from time-to-time where I am pretty sure my heart will explode from loving them so much. I never should have doubted myself...they love me for who I am (good, bad, and the ugly) and that's all that matters. To them, I am some kind of superhero - I'll take it!

They are now 2.5-years-old and I am completely confident in their happiness. Bryan and I document everything we can so we can show them later how special they are to us. I have hundreds of thousands of pictures and videos - they even have their own YouTube channel (how cool is this):

https://www.youtube.com/user/Branniston

I have a hard time remembering what life was like before Anniston & Brayden - they are literally our everything.

Sharing this experience helps me to appreciate the beauty that can always be found in what we believe to be chaos. I not only learned a great deal about my children and about myself but I learned how to become a mother...

In some ways, I suspect that I will always question myself and doubt my abilities as their mother. Maybe it's this very process that makes me a good mother - I care enough to strive for better.

Beautiful Chaos - Part 1

I spent so many months just trying to keep them in so they would be healthy that I never really let myself think about life after pregnancy. I was too afraid to let myself "feel" anything because I knew if something horrible happened during my pregnancy and I lost one or both of them, the devastation would be immense. The risk of any number of complications was higher because we were dealing with multiples but to complicate things even further, I have Lupus (an autoimmune disease) so, I had to be monitored by my general OB, a high-risk OB, and a Rheumatologist.

During one particular visit with my Rheumatologist, early in my pregnancy, she went through all the  scenarios that might occur and said to me, "If your kidneys begin to fail or you start having seizures, I will have to ask you to terminate your pregnancy in order to save you. Your safety is my priority." This statement stuck with me throughout my entire pregnancy and I did everything I could to try and keep myself healthy so that these terrifying possibilities did not become realities. In the process, though, I did not allow myself to emotionally connect with my babies - I was sincerely scared of loving them too much.

So, the day arrived and it was time to have a C-Section - I remember being nervous about the surgery. During the procedure, it was as if my senses were heightened because I couldn't move and my visual field was limited to my left and right side because of a sheet that blocked my body from my chest down. We had two teams of nurses that were poised and ready for each baby to be handed to them.

Baby A didn't come out crying - she was actually silent when she first arrived. These few seconds seemed like an eternity and I was terrified that something was wrong. Finally, her lungs filled with air and she began to scream accordingly. My son cried almost immediately and both were whisked away by the nurses so that they could check them, etc.

Because of my limited mobility and the fact that I was still technically in surgery, I had not had an opportunity to really see my babies yet. I yearned to hold them. Everything felt like a dream - the room seemed to slow down and I felt a heaviness in my chest. As the doctor was finishing, the nurses brought each baby over for me to look at...this moment was a literal blur. The one thing I remember most is that Brayden was so peaceful and quiet, his eyes were open and he was looking around the room. I thought to myself that this was more than likely a preview into his personality and I was grateful to have met him.

The room began to close around me.

They finally wheeled me into a recovery bay and I learned that during surgery my blood pressure dropped to an extremely low level - I had to remain flat on my back because if I tried to sit up, I most certainly would have lost consciousness. At that moment, I really didn't care, I just wanted to see and hold my babies.

Anniston Faith

                                  James Brayden















I was in the hospital for a week because of the surgery and because I had twins. Both babies were healthy and neither required NICU care. I felt as though my initial job of keeping them in was finally over but I wasn't sure how to feel about them now. In the quiet moments at the hospital, I would stare at them and watch them breathe. I kept waiting for this overwhelming emotional connection but instead, I felt scared and uncertain. Where was the bond I had read so much about and what was wrong with me? Why didn't I feel the way I was supposed to?

The first six weeks at home were chaotic, to say the least. We were attempting to establish some sort of routine, sleep was nonexistent, I was trying to breastfeed/pump and supplement with formula, and family and friends were coming regularly for visits. I am sure that this scenario doesn't sound much different than any other family bringing home a newborn except we had TWO newborns, our feeding schedule was insane - we would get through a feeding with both and it was time to start again. In addition, my milk supply wasn't enough (even with round-the-clock pumping and alternating breastfeeding with each child), Brayden was having problems latching and Anniston was a Hoover vacuum - it was a horribly painful experience!

We were zombies and to make matters much worse, I developed Mastitis - an infection in my breast. I felt like I had the flu with body aches and a high fever. Since it was my second time developing the infection, my doctor explained that I had a choice to make...I could continue to try and breastfeed and pump or I could switch to a formula-only method. If I was to develop Mastitis again, he explained that he would have to surgically open the duct in my breast that was infected. There was no way I was ready for yet another surgery - especially since I was still recovering from my C-Section.

I felt like I was failing. I was disconnected, exhausted and overwhelmed...